Change Of Heart
by jacklavigne
Summary: What if Piper never left Alex? What if she stayed when Alex's mother died? Will they be able to fix what they lost and stay together, or are they as broken as Piper believes they are. The characters are not mine, rated M for language and sexual scenes between two women.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: This is a story I havent been able to get out of my head, so I figured I would just write it, whenever I got a chance and upload it for you guys. Still finishing two of my other stories, so this one might take a while to be updated. We'll see how we go. _

_Enjoy._

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter One**

I never expected it to be easy, but I never thought anything could be this hard. I'd been walking since I was a baby, yet these steps were so difficult, it was as if it was my first time. _I have to leave, I just have to, _the mantra keeps repeating itself over and over in my head as I continue to put one foot in front of the other, feeling my heart break a little more with each step. I always knew it would come down to this; our relationship always had an expiry date. I told myself I would be ready for it when the day finally came. I told myself that if I didn't leave eventually, I would end up carrying another bag of drug money for my heroin importing girlfriend, and that's almost exactly what happened. If I stayed for one more second in this beautiful apartment, with her red rimmed eyes, I'd end up flying to Istanbul and I'd promised myself that I wouldn't do that, ever again.

In the end, I gave her the choice; me or the drugs. I knew what the answer would be, but I didn't expect it to be so God damn painful.

As I searched through the bathroom for my missing passport, my thoughts returned to the past, when I first met Alex Vause.

_It was the second time that we'd seen each other, completely by chance, or so I thought. The first night in the bar hadn't led anywhere, though I had been completely willing at the time. I was more than okay with a one night stand with this woman but it wasn't meant to be. We had talked at the bar for a while before she asked me to join her and her friends at a club they were going to. I had agreed without hesitation, following them to a club that you usually had to wait in line at for several hours before entering. We walked straight past the line and to the bouncer at the door who stepped away from the entrance to let us in with a wink at Alex. _

_I had spent most of the night by Alex's side, drinking and dancing and exhilarating in the way her hands felt on my body as we pressed against each on the dance floor, ours hearts beating in sync with the music. My phone had vibrated in my clutch when we were at the bar getting a drink and I answered the call, hardly hearing Polly's sobs over the music. Her boyfriend had dumped her and as her best friend, it was my duty to bring her a tub of ice cream and listen to her cry for the rest of the night, despite the fact that I was drunk and it was almost three am. I said a hurried good bye to Alex, who stared back at me in bemusement, perfect eyebrows raised as I turned away from her and made my way out of the club and into the first taxi I saw. _

_I hadn't offered my number or taken hers, so I didn't expect to see her ever again. I remembered her saying something about going to Greece or Prague for a few weeks for work, so I let my thoughts of the dark haired woman go._

_That is, until I almost literally ran into her while leaving a bathroom at the bar I had finally managed to get a job at. _

_She had looked me up and down, her irresistible smirk planted firmly on her perfect face as she took in my tight black t-shirt and black mini skirt. "What time do you get off?"_

_It felt like no time had passed since I had seen her last, despite the fact that it had almost been two months. I sucked in a deep breath as she raised her pale hand, playing with a few strands of my blonde hair, tilting her head as she looked at me. _

_"Midnight."_

_"I'll wait for you then."_

_"It's not for another two and a half hours," I said, not sure why I was protesting because I wanted nothing more than to spend some time with the brunette after my shift finished. _

_"I don't mind," she replied with a small smile playing her lips. "It'd be a crime to let you slip through my fingers again."_

_I spent the rest of my shift thinking about where I wanted her to slip those long fingers of hers, glancing over at her every ten minutes. She sat at a table in the back corner of the bar, nursing a bottle of beer and making several phone calls while she waited. When my shift was finally over, she was waiting by the door, holding it open for me as I stepped outside into the cool night air. _

_"Where do you wanna go?" She asked me, pushing those sexy glasses up her nose._

_"Wherever you want."_

_"My place is around the corner?" She said it like she was asking me a question, though we both already knew the answer. _

_I didn't answer, I just took her hand and started walking, and ignoring her chuckles as she pulled me in the right direction, her thumb gently caressing my knuckles. _

I hadn't ever regretted that life changing chance meeting until right now. I hadn't regretted the mind blowing sex or my accidental oversleeping the next morning when I should have been sneaking out, or giving the mysterious dark haired woman my number. But now, with my heart feeling as if it had been ripped into a million shreds, I regretted all of it.

I growled in frustration as I slammed the drawers closed, carefully molding my face into a neutral expression as I strode purposely out of the bathroom, noticing Alex's form on the bed, shoulders slumped in what I could only assume was defeat.

"Are you off the phone now?" I asked as I opened a small set of drawers, finding only a few pieces of paper inside. "It wasn't in the bathroom either. Did you look at all while I was out?"

I glanced over at her, only seeing the back of her dark head as Alex stared off into space. I moved towards our chest of drawers, looking underneath all of my clothes as I continued to speak. "Alex, I understand that you're upset but can you at least acknowledge that I'm a person who is speaking? If I miss this flight, I'm screwed. Alex! Passport! Hello?"

"My mom died."

I looked up sharply, my blank expression giving way to shock and then compassion, as I found myself moving towards her without any conscious thought. "What?" I edged around the corner of the bed, catching my first glimpse of her face and feeling my heart throb painfully in my chest at her tearstained cheeks. She looked up at me, despair warring with confusion in her watery gray eyes as I seated myself gently on the bed next to her.

"My Aunt just called up, it happened this morning, I guess."

"Oh, Alex," I reached out and touched her, for the first time since our argument this morning, gently rubbing her back. Her skin was warm, and her cheek was warmer as I pulled her carefully into my arms, wanting nothing more than to take her pain away. "I'm so sorry."

"My first instinct was to call her to talk about it," the words were spoken brokenly into my ear, the deep voice sending a tingle down my spine as it always did, despite the circumstances and the catch in her voice. I pulled away slowly, staring into her eyes as they filled with tears once more and asked her what happened. I listened as she repeated the brief explanation her aunt gave her, nodding slightly as I felt a metal band tighten around my heart at her heartbroken expression.

"What can I do?" I asked, wanting to help her, to help erase the tears that were welling in her eyes. I watched as Alex stood up, moving out of my embrace as she started babbling. "I don't know, I mean, I need to fly home. I need to figure out the funeral because there's no one else to do it."

"Okay," I nodded in understanding, watching as Alex grabbed a shirt from a pile of clothes draped over a chair, her hands shaking slightly.

"Will you see if you can find us two seats on a flight out today?"

The words hit me from around a blind corner, especially the word 'two'. I realized that Alex fully expected me to go with her, as if our fight earlier had been completely erased by this new horrible development. The part of me that still loved Alex told me that it was the right thing to do. It told me that I should go with her to her mother's funeral, at the very least, and put off my leaving until things had settled down and Alex was in a more stable environment, with her friends and family surrounding her.

But the part of me that was scared shitless of her work and what else she expected of me, told me to run for the fucking hills while I still could. And God knows, I'm still a selfish little debutant underneath the adventurous mask I've been wearing these past few years.

"Al, I can't go with you." I almost winced at how unfeeling my voice sounded, especially when Alex looked up at me with sad, knowing gray eyes, as if she knew it would be my answer, despite everything.

"What?"

"I am so sorry about your mom," I let my feelings finally show in my expression, the sympathy and compassion I felt for this woman that I'd been with for almost three years. "But this doesn't change anything."

"You're still leaving?" The disbelief comes into Alex's voice as her face begins to crumble into tears, which she holds back valiantly. "Right now? My mother just died, I can't fucking believe you."

"I can't be your girlfriend anymore." The words were almost physically painful.

"Yeah, and apparently not even my friend," Alex shot back, the words hitting me like a punch in the gut. I took a deep breath, unsure of what to say when Alex shrugged, gesturing to the chest of drawers behind her. "Top drawer, underneath my t-shirts."

"Jesus, Alex. You fucking hid it?" I sighed angrily, storming over and pulling open the drawer, riffling through her shirts until I felt the leathery feel of my passport brush against my fingers. I picked it up, turning to face the dark haired woman as she stared back at me with a lost, grief wracked expression.

"Please don't leave," the words were a softly spoken plea, pulling at my heartstrings. "Not now."

I turned my back on her, facing my bag which was waiting for me in the middle of the room, like an obedient dog. I took a step towards it, my fingers gripping my passport as the voice in my head told me to run, to get out before it was too late. Another few steps and the handle to my luggage was gripped tightly in my hand, and I heard Alex let out a sob from behind me.

_Don't look back, _the voice urged me. _Don't do it. _

But I couldn't resist one final look at the woman whom I'd loved for so long, staring back at me with her bottom lip between her neat, white teeth. Our eyes met and I sighed, letting go of the handle to my bag and dropping my passport on the small table next to the door as I turned and faced her. I watched as she crumbled before me, her hands white knuckling the shirt in her grasp, bending slightly at the waist as her body shook with sobs of pure relief.

I walked towards her, unable to help myself as I rested on hand on her arm, tangling my other in her long dark hair as I pressed my lips against the top of her head. "It's okay. I'm here.

I'm here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter Two**

Not another word had been spoken between us, except nonsense words of comfort that I'd whispered into Alex's ear as huge, painful sobs wracked her body until she was a shaking mess in my supporting arms. I complied with her earlier request and booked us both tickets on the next plane out and helped Alex pack her bags before we caught a taxi to the airport. I had reveled in the silence all day and yet, now, it was making me feel uncomfortable and unsure if I had made the right decision in staying with Alex. I sighed softly to myself, lost in my thoughts with my eyes closed as I tried to ignore the turbulence of the plane. I peeked one eye open to look at my equally silent companion, who proved how plane savvy she was by not even batting an eye at the severe shaking of the aircraft. I watched her as she gazed out the window, her gray eyes missing their usual sparkle and her pale face almost ashen in color.

She was truly beautiful, even after hours of crying and dressed in a plain black t-shirt with a pair of dark blue jeans, littered with holes. I wondered silently to myself, what all of this meant for us and what we were now to each other. I hadn't left, so did that mean that my argument hadn't counted? Would Alex turn away from all my legitimate feelings of fear and worry that she was leading us down a path that would surely end in destruction?

No, she wouldn't, I decided as I studied the curve of one perfect, dark eyebrow. Because, in my heart, the fight had still happened and while I _had _stayed, it was only to support Alex in this hard time of her life, as a friend.

Only as a friend, I assured myself, even as my hand crept from my armrest and into her lap as I saw another tear fall from her red rimmed eyes. She took it without even glancing at me, her fingers lacing together with mine as I caressed her fingers with my thumb. I didn't even try to deny the fact that I still loved her, because I knew that I did and so did she, but sometimes love wasn't enough. I needed more than words; I needed actions and security, proof that she wasn't going to ask me to do something that threatened my safety.

Unfortunately, Alex was unable to promise any of those things to me, or at least, keep the promises.

"Hey," I spoke softly, squeezing the pale hand that rested in my own. "What are you going to do, once we land?"

Alex turned to look at me, a strange expression on her face as she considered my words. "I don't know."

I had figured as much. "I booked us some rooms at the hotel around the corner from your mom's house, where we stayed last time. Your aunt said that she was staying there, didn't she?"

"Yeah," the strange look turned into a furrow in her brow as Alex frowned, studying me with those cool, gray eyes. "What are _you _going to do?"

_Start planning a life that doesn't involve an importer of heroin in an international drug cartel as my girlfriend. _"I have to make some calls." _To Polly, to listen to her speech of 'I told you so' while putting dibs on her couch for the next few weeks, until I find somewhere else. _"I have to organise some things, but then I can meet you wherever you are."

"You're going home," it wasn't a question, but a statement spoken emotionlessly.

"Yes," I replied simply, turning to look at the back of the seat in front of me. "But not yet."

The hand in mine had gone slack, but my words seemed to satisfy Alex and her grip returned, squeezing my fingers lightly. The silence returned, though it was more comfortable this time, less stifling. I finally let myself relax and just bask in the moment, like I had done a thousand times before with this woman. She was the first person in my life that I'd ever felt comfortable sitting next to in silence. We never needed to make bullshit small talk or even have the radio playing while we were driving in the car, because neither of us minded the silence while we were sitting in each other's company. I remember in the beginning, before we left the States, we used to share couches, our legs intertwined as we both read, or I did a crossword and she worked on her computer. Her eyes would always find mine over our tangled limbs and her smile would be of contented satisfaction.

Looking down at our hands, I couldn't help but smile at the memories; and when I looked up, I found Alex smiling back at me, satisfied if not completely content.

/

I don't know if I felt relieved, but I definitely felt something as I sat on the edge of the bed in my hotel room, finally alone. Alex had been dropped off at her mom's house on the taxi ride from the airport, and I took this time to just think about everything, without her presence interfering with my thoughts. It was so easy to forget why I had booked separate rooms for us both when she was by my side, clouding my thoughts and judgment with her amusing sarcasm and sexy, husky voice. It was easy to let the memories of our fights and my fear and loneliness slip away when I was in her arms, in those short hours at night after she'd come home from meetings with clients or mules before getting up at sunrise to organize flights and drop offs.

But things would be different now, I assured myself as I lay back on the entirely too large and empty bed. I would stay with Alex until the day after the funeral, which was three days away, and then fly to New York where Polly was currently setting up her couch for me. I'd been surprised with how genuinely surprised my best friend had been to hear of the news of my relationships demise. Not that she hadn't been ecstatic too, but more shocked than anything.

_"The bitch finally calls!" The words were spoken half sarcastic, half annoyed into my ear as I fumbled with the key card to my hotel room. "You haven't replied to any of my emails, P! I was starting to get worried that you'd been kidnapped by some mustachioed, bread stick making, French man!" _

_"Sorry, Pol," I sighed as I kicked the door closed behind me before dropping into an exhausted heap on the couch. "I wasn't kidnapped; things have just been kind of... difficult lately."_

_"Difficult?" _

_Another sigh. "Yeah, do you have any space on your couch?"_

_"...What? You mean... No. Way. NO WAY!" Polly's voice was between excitement and sheer shock as she processed the meaning of my words. "You and Supercunt broke up?! You're kidding!"_

_"No, I'm really not," I replied, bluntly. "I'll be flying back to New York on Saturday, so, do you have any room for me or should I call my mother?"_

_"Hell yeah, I have room! Oh my God, Piper, I can't believe this. It's like a dream come true. But, you know, I have to say, I told you-"_

_"Don't push it, Polly."_

_Silence, broken only by two sets of soft breathing. _

_"...Sorry, Piper."_

_"Yeah, me too."_

It had been a blunt and straight to the point conversation, and as brief as possible. I hadn't wanted to dwell long on the topic and Polly seemed to have sensed it, despite her excitement at my return home. She'd even been kind of considerate, I mused, managing to sound almost sympathetic at my brief explanation as to why we broke up. I wasn't surprised at her steadfast support of my decision, because despite our almost sisterly squabbles, Polly had been my best friend since grade school and I knew I could count on her to always have my back.

_Unlike some people, _I thought to myself as my phone vibrated in my hands, indicating a message. I opened the text, unsurprised at who it was.

**Alex:**

**I'm finished here, where are you?**

I frowned, deciding quickly how to answer, knowing that I wasn't really in the mood for Alex's company tonight.

**Piper:**

**I'm at the hotel. When you get here, just give the guy at the desk your name and he'll give you your room key.**

I let the phone drop at my side, folding my hands over my stomach and let my eyes wander to the window. I laid there for a while, noticing the sun descending from the sky to be replaced by a blanket of twinkling stars. I listened distractedly as footsteps wandered down the hallway, stopping outside my door while my eyelids drooped as I fought to stay awake. I finally lost the battle as I fell asleep, not noticing as the footsteps turned and walked away from my room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter Three**

I opened my eyes to darkness, my heart pounding at my abrupt awakening as my bleary mind tried to figure out what had pulled me from such a deep sleep. I rubbed my eyes, grimacing as I shifted on the bed, realizing that I had fallen asleep in my clothes. The noise that had awakened me repeated itself, turning out to be someone knocking on the door to my hotel room. With a sigh, I sat up and ran my fingers through my long blonde hair before grabbing my phone and making my way to the door. I checked the time as I walked, and sighed as I realized who my visitor must be.

_3:16am, who else could you possibly expect? _

I wanted to be grumpy about the unexpected visit from my now ex-girlfriend, but all I felt was relief as I opened the door to reveal Alex in all her disheveled glory. She wore a pair of black track pants, a deliciously tight white tank top and bare feet and I couldn't help the tiny smile that pulled at my lips at her wild mane of black hair, complete with electric blue tips that fell around her face in disarray.

"I can't sleep," Alex offered without prompting, giving me an almost apologetic look as I stepped aside to let her pass me into the room. "Sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay," I mumbled, still attempting to shake off the last vestiges of sleep that clung to me. I realized as Alex stepped past me into the room, that I had just invited her inside without even thinking about it. For what exactly, I wasn't entirely sure. "I'm damn pretty, I don't need beauty sleep."

"You don't need to tell me, kid."

We stood there in awkward silence for a few moments facing each other, both unsure of what to do next. It was strange to see Alex this way, so unsure of herself as she stood before me, so uncharacteristic of the brunette to be anything but confident. I watched as Alex averted her gaze, running one hand over the back of the couch while the other adjusted her glasses in nervous habit. I noticed the deep black shadows beneath her eyes and sighed, wondering when she slept last.

"You're tired," I stated the obvious, more to fill the silence than anything else. "But you can't sleep."

"That's my story," she nodded before turning back to look at me. "I... I'm not used to sleep alone anymore, I guess."

I tilted my head as I returned her gaze, weighing the pros and cons of my next decision. Knowing the choice I made probably wasn't the best for myself, I shrugged and walked past Alex, towards the bedroom. We were still friends, after all. "Come on, then, sasquatch."

"Piper," her voice trailed off as she reluctantly followed me, standing in the doorway as I peeled off my clothes, leaving my bra and underwear intact before crawling into the bed. "I don't... I didn't come here to share your bed. This isn't what I wanted. I thought we could just talk for a while."

I raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Okay," she managed to look chagrined, a sly smile pulling at her lips as she moved further into the room. "So, it's totally what I wanted, but it wasn't my plan."

"Look, Alex, we're still friends and we've been sharing a bed for the past three years, with even a few occasions of only s_leeping,_" I couldn't help but smile which was returned by the dark haired woman standing before me. "And honestly, you look like shit. You need to get some sleep, even if it means I have to make this giant sacrifice and suffer through you stealing the covers for another couple of days."

"Asshole," Alex muttered good naturedly, even as she begun to remove her pants. I couldn't help but watch, appreciating every inch of smooth, pale skin she revealed as she kicked the fabric from her feet. She thankfully kept her tank top on, the black bra showing clearly beneath it as she slipped underneath the covers I held open for her, giving me a grateful smile. I smiled back sleepily, rolling onto my back and making myself as comfortable as possible, while being half naked in a bed with my ex right beside me. She was so close that I could feel the heat radiating from her skin and I resisted the urge to reach out and touch her. It was such a natural impulse that it was almost impossible to keep my hands firmly at my sides.

And apparently, I wasn't the only one having a problem.

I turned my head to face Alex as I felt a warm hand curl around my bicep, causing my skin to tingle not unpleasantly. In the light coming through the window, I could faintly see her face, her gray eyes shining as they gazed back at me. I thought it a trick of the light, only to realize that her eyes shone with unshed tears that built up until they finally leaked over her cheeks.

"Piper," she breathed raggedly as I turned on my side to face her, raising one hand to tenderly wipe away the unending flow of tears. "I... I miss my mom. I miss her… and I miss you."

My breath caught in my throat, so unused to hearing Alex voice her feelings, especially feelings so raw and obviously painful to speak. Thoughts of keeping distance between us evaporated as I pulled her into my arms, wrapping my arms around her as her body began to shake with quiet heart wrenching sobs.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered the words into her ear, over and over, never feeling like it was enough. "I'm so, so sorry, Alex."

I held her, even after the sobs subsided, listening as her breathing evened out. I finally allowed my eyes to close, giving into the emotional and physical exhaustion of the last few days, barely hearing Alex's whispered words as I drifted off.

"Yeah, me too."

/

The next time I opened my eyes, I was blinded by the sunlight streaming in through the windows. I cursed myself for not shutting the blinds before I went to bed, attempting to roll over to check my phone before finding myself stuck in place. My chest felt unexpectedly heavy, which should have been expected, considering Alex's head rested against it, her cheek pressed against my breast and her soft breath tickling the valley in between. Her body was sprawled over mine, our limbs tangled, not unlike the way we had slept not so long ago, before the non-stop fights, and the eighteen hour work days and the loneliness that chilled my body as I slept alone, night after night. Who would have thought that Alex would be such a snuggler?

_"Don't let it get out," _the brunette had whispered to me only a few weeks after we had first started seeing each other, as her body wrapped around mine contentedly after a night full of mind blowing sex. _"I have a reputation to maintain, kid." _

My thoughts were interrupted as the dark haired woman finally stirred, her limbs squeezing my trim body in an embrace before relaxing once more. I smiled quietly as gray eyes fluttered open, squinting in the bright light before turning to look up at me, oh so innocently. "Hi."

"Hi," I replied with a smirk. "You look better this morning."

"Yeah?" Alex sighed as she sleepily rolled off my body and onto her back, stretching much like a large jungle cat before relaxing bonelessly into the mattress. It was true, she did look better. Her skin was a little less pale and the dark circles beneath her eyes had faded and her smile seemed a bit more genuine.

"Yep," I replied as I scooted off the bed, finally reaching my phone and groaning at the screen.

_9:34am_

_27 unread messages_

_Jesus Christ, Polly_, I thought to myself as I scanned the messages from my best friend. They were all similar, information wise, telling me about where I would be sleeping and what we would do when I got to New York, mixed with affectionate insults. A few even asked about Alex, who Polly even called by her name for once, instead of the favorite nickname, 'Supercunt'.

I smiled, quickly typing a reply to my over enthusiastic friend as I stretched out my back, sore from sleeping in the same position all night. Putting the phone down, I glanced over my shoulder at my dark haired companion, startled to find her staring back at me. She didn't even bat an eye as she returned my gaze and for a second, I saw all the emotions she had been effectively trying to hide from me for the past three years.

_So much fear, _I thought to myself grimly, refusing to turn away, knowing that I deserved the pain it caused me to see Alex this way, so fragile. _So much fear, but of what? _

It was as if Alex read my thoughts, like she always seemed to do. "I don't want to lose you, too."

I smiled sadly, reaching over to brush a few dark strands of hair from her forehead. "I'm going to call room service for breakfast, and then we can go and meet up with your Aunt, okay?"

The silence was stifling as we gazed at each other until finally; Alex broke our intense stare with a tired sigh. "Sure."

"Okay," I stood up, grabbing a shirt from my bag which was by the bed, pulling it on before I grabbed the hotel phone. I left the room as I dialed, needing to get away from the burning of Alex's eyes that I could feel on my back. I didn't know what upset me more; that I couldn't answer Alex's unspoken question as I wanted to or because I didn't know the answer.


	4. Chapter 4

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter Four**

Breakfast was a silent affair, though it was more resigned than awkward. I spent most of the meal reading through Polly's text messages, while Alex just pushed around the food on her plate, hardly ever raising the fork to her lips. I watched her, out of the corner of my eye, finding the whole affair kind of odd. We'd never been one of those couples to eat at the dinner table, unless we were at a restaurant. We used to eat take out on the couch, or eat snacks in the kitchen, drink cocktails and eat finger food on the beach or by the pool and breakfast used to be nibbled on in bed, between lazy kisses and sips of coffee. And the silence always used to be comfortable, because we didn't need to talk or make conversation, since we knew there would be time for it later, because we'd always have time, right?

And yet now there was a clock ticking over our heads and time was running out, and the questions that I wanted to ask and things that I wanted to say might never be said.

"Where are we meeting your aunt?" I finally broke the quiet as I set down my phone and looked across the table at Alex. She didn't look up at my words, and continued to move a piece of bacon from the side of her plate to the middle when she spoke.

"I told her that we'd meet her at mom's place in an hour or so. I just gotta have a shower and get changed and then I'm ready," she sighed, placing her fork on the table, though still not looking up. "We're going over the details of the funeral today, just the last minute stuff. We figured out most of it last night."

I nodded, even though she wasn't looking at me before reaching over and laying my hand over hers, which had been fiddling with her fork. She looked up at me then, her grey eyes scared and lost behind her glasses as she turned her hand to grip my fingers. "It's going to be okay, Alex."

"Is it?" She asked, her voice softer than I'd ever heard it. I frowned in sympathy, squeezing her fingers; unable to say anything to quench her fears because I honestly didn't know anything that I could say that would make her feel better. Her mom, the most important person in her life, had just died without any warning. What could you possibly say to make someone feel better about that? I watched as she shook her head, letting go of my hand as she stood up from her seat. I was still searching for something to say even as she opened the door to the hotel room, closing it quietly behind her.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into the silence, feeling once again that the words would never be enough. Her mom had just died and though it had been postponed, I was still leaving her and nothing I could say would ever be enough.

_God, you suck, Chapman, _I thought to myself as I rested my face in my hands. _You really fucking suck. _

/

I'd only ever been to Alex's mother's place once, though I'd met with her on numerous separate occasions over the years. After dating Alex for three years, and travelling with her across the world, I noticed that Alex always kept in close contact with her mother, whether it was through email, phone calls or a weekend visit. It only took me four months of dating Alex for me to realize how very close they were, having been there when Alex received a phone call from the hospital to tell her that her mother had been in a minor car accident and was fine, with only a few bruises to go with her story. I'd watched as Alex literally jumped from her seat on the couch, ending the phone call to immediately postpone her trip to Japan where she was supposed to meet a client. She'd spent the next week with her mom, not letting the woman lift a finger as she paid for someone to do the housework, and just kept her mother company.

I also know the story of Alex's childhood, of being raised with only one parent, a woman who had taken on four jobs to give her child the best life that she possibly could. I'd also heard of her unfortunate meeting with her father, the legendary drummer, which had ended in disaster and had only bonded Alex even closer to her mother. To say that the bond between them was unbreakable was a severe understatement.

I had watched without a hint of jealousy, and only adoration as Alex called her mother ever Sunday, no matter where we were, smiling at the look of pure happiness that came over Alex's face every time she heard her mother's voice. I had been charmed by her laugh while listening to her mother's stories about her life back home and had watched as Alex beamed when her mother praised her for the amazing human being that she'd become.

Seven months into our relationship, I realized how much Alex truly cared for me, when returning from Java, she casually brought up a meeting between the three of us.

_I dropped my bag by the door, breathing a huge sigh of relief as I removed my jacket before following Alex into the kitchen of her home in New York. I was jetlagged and tired and extremely grateful as I accepted the beer that Alex handed me, taking a sip as I leant against the counter. _

_"So," Alex started as she sat on the kitchen island facing me, her expression relaxed though her body was uncharacteristically tense. "I was going to go visit my mom this weekend. I haven't seen her since before Japan."_

_"Are you going to be spending the week with her?" I asked, thinking about maybe going to see Polly, who had just started dating some cute English guy name Pete. _

_"Just a few days," Alex corrected me. "I need to be back by Wednesday so I can meet with Cooper and discuss some things. I figured that you and I could spend the weekend there, and then come back for a few days before we left for Rome. I know you want to see the Coliseum."_

_I automatically smiled at the thought of our holiday to Italy, a little time out; Alex called it, after the business trip to Bali, among other places. Rome was purely for pleasure, she'd assured me, and they had no contacts there. Yet. But my beer bottle froze halfway to my lips as my brain suddenly reexamined Alex's words, and I looked up into her eyes to see if I'd heard correctly to find the brunette staring back at me intently, waiting patiently for my answer. I took a small sip of my drink, contemplating how to respond, knowing the meaning of what she was silently asking, and found that there was only one thing that I could say._

_"Sure," I smiled, watching as Alex exhaled silently with relief, her body relaxing immediately at my words. "Sounds like fun."_

And it had been fun, I remembered, despite all my nerves and fear, I'd hit it off spectacularly with Alex's mom, much to the brunette's pleasure. Diane was kind and funny, sarcastic and amusingly straightforward, not much different than her daughter. It had been a great weekend; spending the days at the house that Alex had brought for her mom and watching the pair interact. It had shown me a side of Alex that I never expected her to have, a gentler, sweeter side that gave me hope that maybe our relationship could work and maybe we would last.

It had been in the guest room of her mom's house when Alex first told me that she loved me, that weekend.

And now I stood outside, once again with Alex by my side and her hand gripped firmly in my own. Except this time, her mother wouldn't be there to greet us at the door and Alex's hands were cold and sweaty, instead of warm and smooth.

"Here we go," I said, my voice barely above a whisper as I gently tugged Alex towards the door. "Come on, Al. I'll be here with you all day, it'll be all right."

She only nodded in reply, though her hand squeezed mine a little tighter, reassuring me. With a deep breath, I stepped through the door, with Alex only hesitating for a moment before entering behind me.

/

"Wow," I muttered as I sat at the hotel bar, staring at the many now empty glasses scattered on the counter around us. I took a long swallow of my drink, wondering if it was my sixth or my seventh and deciding that I didn't care, as long as they kept on coming. I was starting to feel a serious disconnection to everything around me, but after they day we'd had, that was perfectly fine by me.

"Fucking assholes," Alex grunted in reply, downing the last of her vodka, before gesturing to the bartender for another round. "They're all just a bunch of fucking assholes."

I could only nod, sifting through my memories of the day in my mind and finding Alex's assumption completely correct. It seemed as if that as soon as the last detail of the funeral had been finalized this morning for the day after tomorrow, that everyone had suddenly gotten over their grief and had turned into bone picking scavengers. Many of Alex's family had been at the house, half of them people that Alex hadn't seen since she was a child, and many who she now wanted nothing to do with after the funeral was over. It seemed as if the only friendly faces in the room had been Alex's aunt Ruth and her cousin, Jasmine, who were the only two that I had ever met, because Alex didn't really speak to the rest of their family. For good reason, I had discovered.

Alex's mom had been the outcast of their family, and had sought to get away from them once she was old enough and now I could see why. As soon as the funeral plans had been settled, the room had turned into an all-out war, as these people started clamoring for Diane's possessions. Much to Alex's horror, her mom had never gotten around to writing a will, having found it too depressing and saying that it was like asking for Death to come knocking on her door. And now, these people that had never really wanted anything to do with Alex and her mom, were now fighting over every single thing that she had.

"Assholes," Alex continued to whisper as she stared into her glass angrily. "They don't even care that she's lying in a fucking box, getting ready to be put in the ground. All they fucking want is everything that she and I worked so hard to fucking get. Where was Uncle Louis when our car broke down and we couldn't afford to get it fixed? Where was her fucking cousin Robbie and his ugly fucking wife, Leanne when they cut off our fucking electricity for a week 'cause mom couldn't pay the bill? Where the fuck were they? And now they all feel entitled to her fucking shit, like they ever helped her get any of it. No fucking way. Assholes."

Though my vision was starting to tilt, I could clearly see the tears that were beginning to well in her currently stormy grey eyes, whether from grief or from anger, I wasn't sure. Standing from my seat, I downed the rest of my drink before grabbing Alex's arm and practically dragging her off her stool.

"Hey!" She yelped, her fingers reaching in vain for her still half full glass, even as I led her stumbling across the room. "Piper! I'm not finished yet."

"Yes, you are," I replied, pressing the button for the elevator repeatedly, as if it would make it come faster, which I was sure it would in my intoxicated haze. "You're drunk, and not in the cute, handsy way that you normally are, but in the, I've just fucked up a deal and now I'm going to drink, get grumpy and end up starting a fight with the first guy that hits on me, drunk."

I smirked when the lift doors finally opened, ushering Alex inside before pressing the button to our floor. A tall, handsome man slipped in after us, pressing the button for the floor above us and giving me a grin as he stepped back to stand beside me. Damn, I thought to myself with a silent sigh of frustration. And I was so close to getting us out of there without a fight.

"Hi there," he started, his green eyes twinkling as he looked at me. "I saw you at the bar, and-"

I grabbed Alex's arm as the doors glided open, feeling her body tense as she readied to give the nice man a piece of her mind. I hurriedly pulled her down the hallway, leaving the man staring after us in bemusement, before stopping outside the door to her room, right next door to mine. I pulled my room card from my purse, turning around to face Alex to say goodnight and gasping when I felt her body press up against mine.

"So," she started, her face so close that I could feel her breath caress my lips. Her hands rested on my waist, her thumbs slipping under the edge of my t-shirt as she moved even closer. "You prefer it when I'm handsy?"

In my alcohol induced haze, all I could see and feel and smell, was Alex, her unique scent intoxicating me far more than the alcohol. A shaky sigh escaped my lips as her face loomed closer, until there her lips were so close, they were lightly brushing against mine. Her grey eyes were dark and smoky, and the voice in my head, telling me to stop, to run, was silenced by the wave of desire that flowed through me, crushing my better judgment beneath its wave.

"Alex," I whispered, which she took as permission to press her mouth against mine, her lips and tongue drowning the last of my doubts in a sea of passion.


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: Hey guys, I'm glad to see that a lot of you actually like the version of Piper that I've written, because despite the fact that she can be kinda jerky in the show, I truly like her character. She is just so human, with her fear of being alone and when she's not being a jerk to Larry and Alex, you can see that she's a good person, or at least, she wants to be. There are moments in the show when you can see that she has a sense of humour, and she's definetly cute with Alex, especially in the I Heart You scene, and she's never unnesecarily nasty to any of the other characters, only Alex when she thought that she'd turned her in, which she did. _

_So, I'm glad you like her in this, cause I'm writing what I truly believe she would be like with Alex, before she left her in Paris. I mean, why else would Alex still love her all those years later?_

_Enjoy!_

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter Five**

I could hardly believe that it'd only been three days since I'd last felt Alex's lips on mine; three days since I'd felt her bare skin beneath my fingertips and the desire that courses through me every time we've ever touched. It felt like a lifetime since I'd last been in her arms, her body pressed flush against mine, with my hands tangled in her hair and her hands gripping my ass, pulling me impossibly closer. I moaned into her mouth, delighting at the familiar taste of her as her tongue slipped inside, tangling with my own.

It was then that my better judgment surfaced, reminding me exactly why it had been three days since I'd last kissed Alex Vause.

"Alex," I gasped, reluctantly pulling away from the intoxicating kiss, my hands pressing firmly against her chest as I pushed her away, feeling my heart beating so hard in my chest that I thought it might crack a rib.

"Piper," she whispered, her voice a softly spoken plea as she somehow managed to close the distance I was putting between us, her lips finding mine once more. I let myself get momentarily lost in the taste and feel of her lips, only to be pulled once more from my passionate haze by the noises the brunette was making. Her whimpers had been ones of passion, but they were taking on a more desperate quality, tinged with grief as her body begun to shake. I could taste salt on my lips, as I pressed them to her cheeks, gently kissing away the tears that had started to stream down her face.

"Piper," she half whispered, half sobbed as she clung to me. "Piper, please, just let me... Please. I need you."

But the passion had already started to fade, sobering me up and leaving only understanding and sadness as I took Alex key card from her pocket, opening the door to her room. I carefully led her inside, one of my arms still wrapped around her waist, trying to ignore the sparks of my desire shooting through me as she pressed an open mouthed kiss to my neck.

"Alex," I whispered as we entered her bedroom, beginning to untangle myself from her grip. "Alex, you need to stop."

"No," she replied firmly, easily extracting her hands from my hold and grasping the bottom of her shirt before lifting it over her head. I suppressed a moan at her revealed upper body, my eyes gazing at the creamy skin covering her breasts, which were hidden underneath a lacy black bra. Her shaky fingers attempted to undo the button to her jeans and she growled with frustration before she finally managed to pull the tight material from her legs, now standing before me in her almost naked glory. Gods, had she always been this beautiful?

"Alex," I whispered again, reluctantly looking away from her toned thighs to meet her fiery gaze as she grabbed the hem of my t-shirt.

"Piper," she replied, desperately pulling at the fabric, only to be stopped by my firm grip on her wrists. She looked up at me, her eyes pleading but I shook my head, gently caressing the skin of her forearms with my thumbs.

"I can't do this, honey," I said softly, releasing one of her wrists to gently stroke her tear stained cheek. "This isn't what you want, and this isn't what I want either. You need...time. You don't need to drink and fuck yourself into oblivion. You just need time."

"There is no time," the fire returned to Alex's eyes, almost scorching me with its intensity as she once again tugged at the hem of my shirt. "There's no fucking time left, Piper. In less than two days, my mom is going to be rotting in the fucking ground, and then you're going to be gone. You're going to fucking leave and I'm probably never going to see you or hear from you ever again. So you see, there is absolutely no fucking time. I have wasted every single second, but that's going to stop, right now."

I was in such a state of shock at her words that my body automatically complied with her request, raising my arms as she lifted the shirt over my head. She continued to speak, even as her lips blazed a trail of fire over my neck and collarbone, her fingers working the button of my jeans before sliding them down my legs. "And maybe, just maybe, if I fuck you right now, I can make you remember. I can make you remember why you love me, because I fucking need you, Pipes. I can't... I can't do this without you. I lov-"

I couldn't bear to hear those three words from her lips, and the part of my brain that wasn't in shock jolted itself into action at the first syllable. I couldn't hear those words because I knew that if I did, I'd never be able to leave her. I'd let myself fall back into our dysfunctional relationship, and once again lose myself in the fear that overwhelmed me when I was with her. So I shut her up the only way I knew how; by kissing her.

Way to go, Chapman, my mind spoke sarcastically before my libido slammed the door firmly in its face.

I couldn't suppress the moan any longer as her body slid so deliciously against my own, her breasts pressing against my chest and her hands splayed across my back, holding me close. I was suffocating beneath the onslaught of her lips, but what a perfect way to die, my sex crazed brain sighed. Our slow movements quickly became rushed as we were both overcome with an urgency to feel each other as close as we possibly could. Her hands gripped my ass, lifting my feet easily off the floor before she dropped me onto the bed, covering my body immediately with her own and never once breaking our ravenous kiss.

So lost in the kiss and the familiar desire that was overwhelming me, I hardly even noticed as her hands rid us of the rest of our clothes, removing the barriers between us so that skin touched skin. I could feel her everywhere, in all the places that I needed her, but still it didn't feel like enough.

"Fuck, Piper," she whispered urgently against my lips, her breath coming hard and fast as she ran the palm of her hand down my ribs, sending a tremor through my body. "I need you, baby. Please."

My legs opened automatically for her in response, desperate for the fingers that I could feel sliding up the inside of my thigh, leaving behind sparks of desire that caused my legs to shake in anticipation. I was so ready for her and it was only proved further when she dragged her fingers through the abundant wetness that had pooled between my legs. She stifled a moan against my neck, biting the folds of skin between her teeth in a way that sent jolts of electricity straight to my pussy as a breathless gasp escaped from my lips.

There was none of our usual foreplay as two of her fingers immediately slid inside me, only to be pulled out so she could add a third, filling me so deliciously I thought I'd explode on the spot. I had so missed her touch, but I didn't realize how much until her fingers were pumping inside of me, with no pretense of gentleness. She pulled her lips away from my neck to crush them against mine, stealing the breath from my lungs and leaving my chest aching. It was hard and fast and raw, and it didn't take long until my back was arching beneath her, the cries catching in my throat as I gasped for air.

But she wasn't done yet.

Her fingers didn't stop their relentless pace, her thumb sliding over my sensitive clit, sending almost painful sparks shooting through me. But Alex knows me so well, knows exactly how far she can push me and it wasn't long until my hips were once again moving in rhythm with her thrusts, one hand gripping her hair while the other gripped her hip, helping her to slide her wetness against my thigh with every thrust of her fingers. I watched her as she moved with me in perfect synchronization, my breath coming in hard pants at the sensory overload. Even as overwhelmed as I was in this moment, I took a second to just appreciate how well our bodies fit together, how perfectly she fit inside of me and how beautiful she looked as she approached her peak. I moved faster against her hand, sensing how close she was and groaning as her fingers hit that one spot that caused my entire body to shudder with pure pleasure. My stomach clenched and my thighs began to shake as she hit it again and again, pulling me to the edge with her.

"Fuck, Piper," she growled into my ear as her movements started to become more and more erratic. She pulled her head back to look into my eyes, her gray orbs darker than I've ever seen them and her gaze so filled with lust and love that I felt my heart stop in my chest.

And then her fingers curled so perfectly inside me and the world exploded into a thousand tiny fragments, sending my back arching off the bed and pulling a choked scream from my lips that sounded vaguely like my lover's name.

And then there was only darkness as the exhaustion from the day and my own emotions overwhelmed me, pulling me into a deep sleep. The last thing I felt was Alex's arms wrap around me, the taste of salt on my lips as she pressed her mouth against mine before burying her face in the crook of my neck.

/

I woke up to what I was sure was a nine inch nail being driven into the side of my head and a passionate hate for the light that was shining through the blinds. I groaned as I rolled onto my stomach, feeling the room tilt and spin as I sorted through my foggy memories of the night before. I vaguely remembered leaving Alex's mother house with a furious Alex in tow, before seating myself at the hotel bar where we downed drink after drink. I remembered our trip in the elevator and with a groan; I remembered the kiss we shared outside Alex's hotel room.

A kiss that had turned into so much more.

I reached out blindly, praying for my phone and finding a cool glass being pressed into my hand instead. I froze for a bare moment before my fingers wrapped firmly around the glass, my dry mouth overcoming my need to avoid Alex for a few minutes longer. I pushed myself up on the bed, leaning on one elbow as I brought the glass to my mouth, gulping the water down in a few large swallows. The empty glass was then exchanged for a cardboard cup of hot coffee, which caused me to groan gratefully. I took a sip of the hot beverage before finally looking up at Alex, who was gazing back at me with a small smirk.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, her voice soft and husky as she sat on the edge of the bed, her hands wrapped around her own cup of coffee. I shrugged in reply, hardly knowing how I felt, or what I could possibly say to this woman. So many things had happened and in its current state, my brain was finding it difficult to wrap itself around the facts. All I knew was that last night I had made a very bad choice, for myself and especially for Alex.

And yet, why did I feel so fucking good despite my hangover?

"Alex," I started, only to be cut off by the brunette holding up her hand.

"Piper, you don't need to say anything." Alex sighed, looking down at her coffee as she spoke. "I was upset last night and you were just keeping your promise by being there for me, in an unconventional sort of way. It's okay; let's just… forget it ever happened, all right?"

"Alex..."

"Seriously, Piper, I'm fine. Everything is fine." Alex threw me her signature smirk before pushing off the edge of the bed. "Come on, aunt Ruth is waiting for us down in the lobby. We said we'd meet her for lunch and it's almost twelve."

I watched, my mouth hanging open as Alex left the room, wondering why I felt like everything was the furthest thing from fine. And why did I feel so disappointed when Alex had just given me a way out, exactly what I had hoped for?

_You were warned, _that annoying voice whispered in my ear as I slid off the bed and made my way to the shower. _You never listen and now look where it's gotten you._

_Straight back to square one. _

/

I was eternally grateful that the rest of the day passed quickly, impatient for it to be over so I could crawl into bed and despair over what I'd done to myself. I had stupidly thought that there would be some awkwardness between Alex and me, but I couldn't have been further from the truth. It seemed as if Alex was back to her old self, with her impenetrable mask firmly in place as we had lunch with her aunt before going to the funeral home to choose the coffin that her mother would be buried in. There were no tears as she ran her fingers over the smooth wood of each coffin, nodding firmly when she finally saw one that she found acceptable. The only contact that passed between us was initiated by myself, when I gently rubbed her back as we left the funeral parlor, which she returned with a small smile.

And then she told me that she would be out for a couple of hours and that I was free to do what I wished.

I found myself at the bar again, wistfully nursing a margarita as I contemplated the last few days. I had managed to keep things at a friendship level between Alex and myself, being there for her as a friend, while keeping enough distance between us so that no one would get confused. Except that last night, between the alcohol and my empathy for Alex's pain, the carefully constructed lines I had drawn had been blurred and crossed.

And instead of Alex getting hurt, I had only ended up hurting myself.

In fact, Alex seemed better than she had been all week, I mused to myself as I took a sip of my margarita. She had been more in control of her emotions today, and had even laughed at a few of her Aunt Ruth's jokes. Our own interaction hadn't changed, as if nothing had happened and while I was relieved, I was also hurting, because damn if I didn't still love Alex so much that it felt like my heart would explode. And yet, I was still leaving the day after tomorrow and I knew that while Alex would be okay, as she had proven to me today, I wasn't so sure that I would be.

I had tried to leave her to get away from this exact pain and yet here I was anyway.

With a twitch of my fingers, I asked the bartender for another round, smiling when the woman placed a large glass before me, filled to the brim. She studied me for a few moments as she picked up a dish cloth, wiping off her hands before speaking to me. "Are you all right?"

I smiled wearily at the woman, circling the lip of the glass before nodding. "Yeah, I'm okay. It's just been a long fucking day."

"Are you sure?" She persisted, kindly. "'Cause I heard you talking to your girlfriend last night, something about a funeral? I didn't mean to listen, but you were both talking pretty loud."

"Her mother died," I replied, tiredly, before automatically responding. "And she's not my girlfriend."

"I'm sorry to hear that," she responded sympathetically, before moving off to serve another customer. I sighed, taking a large sip of my drink before responding.

"Yeah, me too."

I sat there for a little while longer, finishing off the rest of my drink before contemplating what I would do after tomorrow. I was pulled from my thoughts by familiar warmth at my back and a gentle hand resting on my shoulder.

"Isn't it a little cold out for a margarita?" A deep voice whispered into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. "Plus, aren't you still recovering from last night?"

"It's August," I replied with a small smile, not bothering to turn around as I felt Alex slide into the chair beside me. "Plus, you know, hair of the dog and all."

Alex chuckled softly, turning to glance over her shoulder before turning back to me. "Look, I met up with my mom's neighbor, Lorna, and she's pretty cool. Her and a couple of her friends are going out and I'm gonna go out with them. Do you want to come?"

I glanced over Alex's shoulder, catching sight of three women watching from the door. One was a short dark haired woman with bright red lip stick, who was giving me a small smile while another woman leant against the wall, her reddish blonde hair falling around her smirking face in disarray, her eyes curious as she watched us. The last woman was tall and blonde, with twinkling green eyes, whose gaze was locked hungrily on Alex. I repressed a sneer and turned back to my drink, shaking my head at Alex's offer. "No, thank you. I think I'll just turn in early tonight."

"Are you sure?" Alex pressed, tilting her head in an attempt to catch my eyes and failing miserably as I continued to stare at the counter top. "It'll be more fun than drinking here alone."

"I'll be fine," I finally offered the brunette a halfhearted smile, nodding towards the door. "Go and have fun. I think your new friends are getting a little impatient."

I turned back to my drink, downing the last few mouthfuls as Alex sighed quietly, before sliding off the stall. She squeezed my shoulder gently, leaning in to whisper in my ear before she left. "I'll see you in the morning?"

I just nodded, closing my eyes until I heard her footsteps fade away. I sighed, shaking my head before twitching my fingers, ordering another round and knowing that there would be no sleep for me tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: Hey guys! I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I've spent the last four days working on it, and I think its the best I can probably get it now. I just want to thank everyone again for all the comments and follows and PMs that I've been receiving since I started this story, and I'm glad that you're all enjoying it. Might be a little while before the next chapter is updated, but I've made this one extra long for you guys. Keep up with the reviews and I'll update as soon as I can!_

_P.S. Where have all the OITNB fics gone? Have all the writers for this fandom gone MIA? I've been writing so much the past few days, because I haven't been able to get my fix on all the stories I've been reading on here. Update, guys! You're killing me. _

_Anyway, onwards with chapter six!_

**Change Of Heart**

**Chapter Six**

I woke up to my alarm blaring early the next morning, containing a groan at my once again pounding headache as I desperately attempted to hide from my new enemy, sunlight. I searched blindly through the sheets until my hand covered my vibrating cell, quickly pressing the button to switch off the alarm before rolling onto my back. I groaned again as my brain was bombarded with memories of drink after drink, and an attractive red haired woman who had taken interest in me when she noticed me alone at the bar. The conversation had been nice, and I had found myself enjoying her company more and more as the drinks kept coming.

That is, until she asked me if I wanted to come back to her room.

I don't think she expected me to rush from my seat and back to my room as fast as my legs could take me, but I had panicked. Not because I didn't want this woman who had been hitting on me and giving me her undivided attention all night, but because I _did_ want her. She had been interesting and funny and kind, and she had talked about her _legal _job of owning an art gallery in San Francisco and I had found myself wondering what it would be like to be with someone who was safe and stable, like she seemed to be.

Because it'd been so long since I was in the company of anyone who made me feel safe and stable.

Because God knows that with Alex, I haven't felt safe or even remotely stable in a very long fucking time. If anything, I only ever felt completely unstable with Alex, as if I'm standing on a ledge and with the slightest breeze, I'll fall. But then I remember the way that she touches me, and the way her arms feel wrapped around my body and I remember feeling like I was home, no matter where we were.

_But she put you in danger_; my mind reminded me as I rolled out of bed. _And the only reason she feels like home is because you were never anywhere long enough to call it a home. It's natural, but that doesn't make it right._

_Even if it does feel so fucking right. _

I sighed silently, pushing the thought from my head as I had a quickly jumped in the shower before changing into the clothes I had brought for the funeral. It was a gorgeous black dress, falling to my knees and modest enough for a funeral, while still making me looking sexy as it clung to my curves in all the right places. I put on some light make up; mascara, some light eye shadow and lip gloss and left my hair down in gentle curls that reached almost half way down my back.

I looked good, even though I felt like crap.

Checking the clock to make sure I still had enough time, I grabbed my purse and left the hotel room, walking quickly down to hall to knock at Alex's door. I waited for a few heartbeats, listening for the sound of movement or muffled curses, but there was nothing. I knocked once more and then made my way to the elevator when there was no answer, figuring that Alex might be waiting downstairs.

_Or maybe she didn't come home last night_, my brain offered snidely. _That blonde was definitely her type, after all. _

I swallowed heavily, pushing that thought deep, deep, _deep _down, for when I was ready to later review it, in maybe ten years or never. A quick check of the lobby, the restaurant and the bar proved that Alex had indeed not come back to the hotel after her night out with the hot blonde from last night. I slumped down on one of the benches in the entrance, feeling sick to my stomach as I wondered what I should do. Should I just wait and hope that Alex showed up, or should I just text her and meet her at the funeral?

So lost in my thoughts, I hardly noticed when someone sat down beside me, until there was a hand waving in front of my eyes and a deep chuckle in my ear.

"Is your hangover that bad?"

I turned towards the vaguely familiar voice, almost falling off the bench as I recognized the woman from last night sitting next to me. I stuttered and stumbled over my words, trying to think of something to say to this woman who I had literally run out on. And even with my years of expensive college education, all I could come up with was a lame, "Hi."

_You're an idiot._

_**Shut. Up.**_

"Hi there yourself," the woman replied with a quirky smile, a full set of perfectly white teeth displayed with a pair of sparkling dark blue eyes to match. "It's Piper, right? How are you feeling?"

"I'm... okay," I managed to reply, as I finally recalled her name in my blurred, drunken memories. Jae, this very attractive, very nice woman's name was Jae. "I, um, I'm sorry, you know, about last night. I was just-"'

"Very drunk," Jae interrupted my babbling with a grin, shrugging broad shoulders slightly. "And it's okay; really, it's probably me that should be apologizing. I mean, I did come on kind of strong last night at the bar, but I just couldn't resist."

I laughed softly, shyly, turning my gaze away to look at my hands that were clasped tightly in my lap. I felt like a teenager, sitting here next to this beautiful, well-read, charismatic woman. "Yeah, well, I still shouldn't have run off like that."

"Well, because I'm so nice, I'll forgive you." The redheaded woman gave me a small smile, before gesturing to my clothes. "Are you heading off to that you funeral you told me about? The dress looks nice."

I smiled at the compliment, looking up to find Jae staring back at me with a kind, sympathetic smile. "Thanks, and yeah, I'm just waiting for-"

"Piper?"

"That," I mumbled, turning away from Jae to give my attention to that familiar, sensual voice that never failed to send shivers running down my spine. Alex stood a few feet away, looking gorgeous in a plain, low cut black dress, which showed off her substantial cleavage. She was looking between Jae and me with a very neutral expression, _too _neutral, I quickly noticed with an inward groan. It was the look Alex got just before she started yelling at the attractive men that hit on me in bars and I hurriedly made my way to my feet. "Alex, hey, I was just waiting for you."

_What are you doing? _That annoying voice spoke up once more, clucking its tongue at me in disgust. _You two aren't together anymore and she probably just spent the whole night fucking some stupid blonde skank and look at you? Acting all guilty over just talking with another woman. You're pathetic. _

"I see," the dark haired woman murmured, giving Jae one last indescribable look before turning to me. "There's a cab waiting for us outside. You ready?"

"Yeah," I answered, quickly turning to Jae who was watching Alex with a small, mysterious smile playing her lips. "I'm sorry, but I have to run off on you again."

"Yeah, funeral, right," Jae shook her head and got to her feet, and I raised an eyebrow, having not noticed how tall she was last night. She towered over me as she gently took my hand in hers, pushing a card into my palm before giving me a grin. "Here, give me a call if you ever find yourself interested in art. Or, if you ever feel like going out to dinner."

I bit my lip, practically feeling Alex's stare burning holes into my back as I tucked the card away in my purse. I took one last look at Jae, with her dark red hair, her blue eyes that contrasted with her tanned skin and the crisp white shirt that she wore, half tucked into skin tight black jeans and biker boots. I gave her a small nod before turning on my heel, refusing to meet Alex gaze as I walked past her and out of the building and into the cab that was waiting for us.

It was only a few moments before Alex was sliding into the seat beside me, leaning forward to give the address to the driver before turning to drill holes into the side of my face. I sighed inwardly, turning my head to look out the window as the cab revved to life. I couldn't help but fidget in my seat as Alex continued to stare at me, until I finally couldn't stand it any longer and turned to face her with a frustrated expression. "What?"

"Nothing," Alex smirked, though it wasn't one of her more attractive smiles. "So, got a little action last night, did you?"

In world record breaking time, my temper flew off the scales as a burst of white hot anger rolled through me at her sarcastic words. "I don't know, Alex. Did you?!"

"What happened to turning in early?" The words were spoken harshly, forcing a mirthless laugh from my lips as I shook my head in disbelief. This woman had probably spent the night with some bimbo, and she was giving me Hell for just talking to another woman at the bar?

"What happened to _needing_ me?" I shot back, watching as those oh so familiar guards went up in Alex's eyes and regretting the words almost immediately, but I couldn't stop. "What happened to _wanting_ me? What happened to _loving me_, Alex?"

Her eyes slowly became cold and stormy behind her glasses, her expression staying blank even as I watched her jaw clench painfully in anger. I held her gaze, willing myself to be strong and to stand my ground, but still feeling empty when Alex was the first to turn away to look out of the window. I watched as her throat swallowed convulsively, whether she was swallowing back tears, or words of anger, I didn't know. When nothing else was said, I tilted my head to rest it against the cool window, looking at the blurs of color as we drove towards the funeral home.

The rest of the cab ride was spent in silence, and I wondered if that's what our relationship had come to; silence. And honestly, I shouldn't have been surprised because what the fuck else was there to say?

God knows, I have nothing left.

/

The funeral had been torturous and mind numbingly painful to endure, stuck in between an obviously angry and grieving Alex and one of her distant cousins, who spent most of the time sobbing on my shoulder. I cried twice, the first time when Alex gave her eulogy, which was so heartbreakingly beautiful that I stopped even trying to wipe the tears from my face. The second time I cried was at the end, as I stood in the line and said my last goodbye to Diane Vause.

She looked kind of peaceful, surrounded by white silk and wearing a beautiful blue dress, one I knew would have matched her eyes, had they been open. Staring at the almost smile on her face; I remembered that weekend that we'd spent at her house all those years ago, the last night especially and the conversation I'd had with this woman.

_It was three am in the morning and I had pulled myself from Alex's warm embrace to make my way to the kitchen for a drink of water. I was surprised to see the light still on, though instead of turning around and going back to bed, I stepped into the kitchen and gave Diane a tired smile as she looked up in surprise from her mug of coffee. _

_"Hey darling," she gave me that half grin, so much like her daughter's, though with more crinkles around her smiling blue eyes. "Can't sleep?"_

_"I just needed a glass of water," I said as I made my way to the sink, picking up a mug and filling it with cold tap water. I took a few sips before turning to look at Alex's mom, who was gazing back at me with a thoughtful smile. _

_"You love her," the woman stated simply, so naturally that the words didn't hit me as hard as they would have in any other conversation. It had only been hours since Alex told me those words herself for the first time, though it had been after several hours of sex, so I still wasn't sure if it counted which is why I hadn't said it back. _

_Yet._

_"Yes," I replied just as simply._

_"That's good," Diane nodded, looking down at the mug in her hands. "After the shit that kid has been through, she deserves something good."_

_"You raised an amazing woman," I agreed with a nod, a small smile playing my lips as I thought of the woman of whom we spoke, still asleep in bed upstairs. _

_"She's the best thing that ever happened to me," Diane looked up at me now, her expression serious and almost pleading. "Just, promise me that you'll take care of her. I get worried about her out there in that huge fucking world. I know she's a big girl and that she can take care of herself but... it'd make me feel a whole lot better if I knew someone else was watching her back."_

_"Diane," I spoke her name, as she had insisted I should while hugging me tightly, the second I had entered her home. I gave her a smile as I took the few steps to the table, gently taking the hand she had resting on the table. "I'll take care of Alex, for as long as she wants me around, I promise."_

_Her mom had laughed, hurriedly wiping the tears that had built in her eyes as she squeezed my hand gratefully. "Thanks, kid."_

"I'm sorry, Diane," I whispered, feeling the tears coursing down my cheeks as I thought of that promise which I had broken. "I'm so sorry."

As I walked away from the casket, wiping the tears from my face and catching Alex's eye from across the room, I once again felt that those words would never be enough.

/

"This is a little depressing."

I turned away from the group of people I had been talking to, to find one of Alex's friends from last night standing behind me. She was surveying the room with a frown, a beer bottle in her hand and her reddish blonde hair just as much of a mess as it was the night before. I wondered briefly how long it would take to get a brush through it, but figured that it'd probably break if she tried. Maybe that's why she didn't even try, I mused as I turned to stand next to her.

"It's a funeral. It's meant to be depressing," I answered her, even though I wasn't entirely sure that she was talking to me. I followed her line of sight, spotting Diane's neighbor, Lorna, who was deep in conversation with Alex's uncle, a smile on her brightly painted lips.

"Yeah well, this is pretty sad, even for a funeral," Nicky gestured with her beer bottle towards the other side of the room, where Alex was standing with her aunt, who was a giant puddle of tears. Alex didn't seem to be fairing much better and a part of me wanted to go to her, while a larger part didn't want to be subjected to her angry glare again. It would probably be better if I didn't, I thought to myself morosely. I'd probably only make it worse.

"Your girl looks like she's about a second away from downing a bottle of aspirin with that scotch she's drinkin'." Nicky continued with a shake of her head, sending her frizzy hair flying in all directions.

"She's not my girl," I automatically replied, taking a sip from the glass of vodka screwdriver in my hand. Only my third so far, so I thought I was doing pretty well. "And she's allowed to be upset. Her mom just got buried six feet in the fucking ground, for God sake."

"Really?" Her brow furrowed, though she quickly continued at my confused stare. "I mean, you guys aren't banging? Could have fooled me."

I only shrugged, turning towards the bar and ordering another drink as I felt Alex's gaze turn my way for the hundredth time this day. We were at Alex's mother's house, and a makeshift bar had been set up in the lounge room, where most of the guests from the funeral were crowded into. I felt a droplet of sweat make its way down my spine and I was only too happy to comply when Nicky jerked her head in the direction of the door that led into Diane's back yard. We dodged several groups of people, before slipping through the door and into the pleasantly cool night air.

"So," Nicky spoke after several moments of silence as we took a seat on two of the chairs situated on the porch, overlooking Diane's gorgeously sculpted back yard. "If you're not her woman, then what are you? Family friend?"

I thought about how to answer, unsure of exactly what I was to Alex now and coming up with nothing. I decided to go with honesty, which seemed to be working for me the past few days. Mostly. "I _was _her girlfriend. Past tense."

"Ah, so you guys stayed friends?" Nicky nodded, taking a sip of her beer as she regarded me thoughtfully. "Where are you from? Did you fly out here for all this? That's kind of cool, I guess."

"I'm from Connecticut, originally," I said. "But I was with Alex when she got the call about her mom, four days ago. We were in Paris, and I had just broken it off, but... her mom just died and she needed me. I'm leaving to go back to New York tomorrow."

We sat in silence as Nicky processed this information before she suddenly shook her head, as if to clear the confusing thoughts from her brain. "Fuck."

"You're telling me," I muttered, emptying my glass and instantly wishing for another. Was I an alcoholic now? I mused to myself thoughtfully. I wasn't sure, but I was definetely enjoying the faint sense of dislocation that I had been experiencing the past three days.

I knew that it would all catch up with me eventually, but hopefully not until I was sitting on Polly's couch in New York, with a tub of organic ice cream and a few boxes of tissues within reach.

The door opened behind us and my eyes immediately fluttered closed as I felt my heart begin to beat harder in my chest. I knew who it was without even having to turn around, so I didn't bother. I continued to stare out at the many flowers and trees that grew in Alex's mothers yard, all surrounding the clear, in ground pool that reflected the setting sun, even as Nicky turned to greet the newcomer.

"Hey, Vause," the blonde said with a half-smile, raising her bottle in Alex's direction. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," that smooth, husky voice caressed my ears, awakening the butterflies in my stomach. "Could you give us a few minutes, Nichols? I need to talk to Piper."

"Sure," Nicky said brightly, standing up from her seat and briefly squeezing my shoulder before making her way back inside. I listened as the door closed quietly behind her, bringing that never-ending silence back as Alex took the seat that Nicky had vacated, without a word. The sun had almost completely set by the time Alex shifted in her seat, turning to face me.

"Piper," she spoke softer than I had expected, her voice gentle and quiet as she leant closer to me in her seat, until I could just feel her breath caressing my cheek. "Pipes, I'm sorry, okay? The way I acted this morning was fucked up, but when I saw you with that woman... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, because, I'm not ready for you to leave yet. I'm not ready for you to go, because I'm scared that you won't call and you won't email and you'll only be too glad to cut me out of your life for good. And I just lost my mom, Piper; I'm not ready to lose you too, even if we can only be friends."

"Alex," I sighed, finally turning my head to look into her eyes for the first time since this morning. "We've never been friends, even in the very beginning. I loved you. I loved being with you, touching you, fucking you, loving you. The past few days were a nice dream, but we were never friends."

I leant back in my seat, turning back to the peaceful garden and letting the silence take over once more as I ignored the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I felt Alex gently take my hand, entwining our fingers as she sat back in her chair beside me, just taking comfort from these last few moments as our clock finally ran down.

Our time was up.


End file.
